Grateful.

I decided to organize the "office." I know, to most of you that have been to my house, it seems like quite the feat! BUT, after 2 1/2 days of gutting and purging, I can finally say that it is ALMOST done. :)

So last night, as I was going through some paper work, I came across this:

I know this piece of paper and 3 pieces of card stock wouldn't mean much to most, but to me, they represent an extremely depressed time in my life full of disappointment and pain.

If you look closely, you can see the date: 3/16/07, the day I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. I had bought Spencer a shirt and painted the words "big brother" on it, took pictures of him in it, and added a page to his scrap book so we could always remember how happy we were at that moment in time.

I was so excited.

But that excitement soon turned to sadness when we ended up losing the baby. I remember being so angry, feeling so hurt and confused. I took out the pages from the scrap book and tore up the pictures. I never wanted to be reminded of the hurt again. I guess I forgot to discard the page itself and tucked it away somewhere, not ready to let go of what had happened. A couple months later, I was pregnant again. This time would be different, this time I would have a healthy baby in the end. But this time was the same, but even more painful. How could this happen? I was healthy. I had a healthy first baby. Why? Still confused, a couple months later, yet again, I was pregnant, but this time I was terrified. I spent my entire pregnancy scared that this too would end in pain. But it didn't. It ended in Tatum.

So here I am, over 4 years later, looking at this piece of paper, this physical reminder of pain, and yet I feel so overwhelmingly happy.

I can honestly say that 2007 was one of the hardest years of my life. There was a point I truly believed God was punishing me for something and I was only going to be able to have one baby. But here I am 2 babies later. God had a plan for me. I am not in control, I never was. I think God wanted me to learn that so that I could truly let go and embrace the plan he has for my life. I would never want to ever experience the loss and disappointment I experienced that year ever again, but I also think that I wouldn't be where I am with three beautiful babies if it weren't for that loss. I am so very grateful for my children. And who knows, maybe I'd still have 3 babies, had I not lost those 2, but I wouldn't have TATAUM. I wouldn't have LUCY. And I wouldn't know and feel deep down in my gut how truly blessed I am to have them.

Sleeping through the night.

I don't know about you mamas, but since the day my first was born, I have NEVER slept through the night.

A typical night for this mother of 3:

The kids go to bed around 8:30. I say "go" because they don't necessarily sleep. Tatum and Lucy will fall asleep within a matter of minutes. Spencer, however, will stay up, look at books, play in his room, until around 10 or 10:30. So when he's fallen asleep, I'll finally make my rounds to check on everyone before going to bed myself around 11. I, like Spencer, have a hard time falling asleep. So, I will turn on my Pzizz app and listen to the melodious music and some strange man tell me that "it is time for sleeping..."

I'll fall asleep around midnight.

Around 3:30 I ALWAYS wake up and have to use the leu. Ask my mom, I've NEVER been able to hold it through the night and have ALWAYS had to wake up to tinkle in the middle of the night. Thank you Mother for always putting my bedroom directly across the hall from the bathroom growing up. ;) I use this time to check on my babies another time. I start at the bedroom farthest away and I put Tatum back on her pillow and cover her up, whispering "I love you sweetie pea, sweet dreams" in her ear. On to Spencer. As I get closer to his bed to lean over and give him a kiss, I step in something. Awesome. He had to pee and thought his bedroom was the bathroom again. Poor guy. He has mama's bladder and was so asleep he didn't realize he wasn't peeing in the toilet. SO, I get the cleaner, clean it up, check to see if he got it on his bed or himself and clean up accordingly. This time I had to wake him up and have him change. But for some reason he didn't want me to leave so I spent another 10 minutes praying with him and singing to him so he'd fall back asleep. Finally I make it to Lu's room and I cover her back up and tell her how much I love her.

I make it back to bed around 4 and spend another 30 minutes (with Pzizz back on) trying to fall back asleep, intermittently kicking my husband to get him to stop snoring. Tony will make it into the shower between 6 & 7 and I'll usually get up again to use the bathroom. If I keep one eye closed I can usually fall back asleep in a matter of minutes before being awoken by Spencer around 8am.

So I'm curious. To all those mamas whose babies are sleeping through the night... Does sleeping through the night for your babies mean you as well? Because I'm pretty sure this is my nightly routine for the rest of my life.