Sleeping through the night.

I don't know about you mamas, but since the day my first was born, I have NEVER slept through the night.

A typical night for this mother of 3:

The kids go to bed around 8:30. I say "go" because they don't necessarily sleep. Tatum and Lucy will fall asleep within a matter of minutes. Spencer, however, will stay up, look at books, play in his room, until around 10 or 10:30. So when he's fallen asleep, I'll finally make my rounds to check on everyone before going to bed myself around 11. I, like Spencer, have a hard time falling asleep. So, I will turn on my Pzizz app and listen to the melodious music and some strange man tell me that "it is time for sleeping..."

I'll fall asleep around midnight.

Around 3:30 I ALWAYS wake up and have to use the leu. Ask my mom, I've NEVER been able to hold it through the night and have ALWAYS had to wake up to tinkle in the middle of the night. Thank you Mother for always putting my bedroom directly across the hall from the bathroom growing up. ;) I use this time to check on my babies another time. I start at the bedroom farthest away and I put Tatum back on her pillow and cover her up, whispering "I love you sweetie pea, sweet dreams" in her ear. On to Spencer. As I get closer to his bed to lean over and give him a kiss, I step in something. Awesome. He had to pee and thought his bedroom was the bathroom again. Poor guy. He has mama's bladder and was so asleep he didn't realize he wasn't peeing in the toilet. SO, I get the cleaner, clean it up, check to see if he got it on his bed or himself and clean up accordingly. This time I had to wake him up and have him change. But for some reason he didn't want me to leave so I spent another 10 minutes praying with him and singing to him so he'd fall back asleep. Finally I make it to Lu's room and I cover her back up and tell her how much I love her.

I make it back to bed around 4 and spend another 30 minutes (with Pzizz back on) trying to fall back asleep, intermittently kicking my husband to get him to stop snoring. Tony will make it into the shower between 6 & 7 and I'll usually get up again to use the bathroom. If I keep one eye closed I can usually fall back asleep in a matter of minutes before being awoken by Spencer around 8am.

So I'm curious. To all those mamas whose babies are sleeping through the night... Does sleeping through the night for your babies mean you as well? Because I'm pretty sure this is my nightly routine for the rest of my life.

A day like any other...

Maybe I'm having a pity party, maybe not. Okay fine, I'm totally having a pity party. But do you ever have one of those days that feels pretty normal, but just isn't quite right? I mean, there really wasn't anything bad that happened today.

I woke up at 8 when my 5 year old alarm woke me, fed him breakfast, fed the baby breakfast, fed the 3 year old breakfast, gave each one a bath, then finally sat down for breakfast and a cup of coffee at 10am after getting the baby down for a nap. Maybe that was the problem, delayed caffeine consumption...

Time out. 3 year old is melting down.

Time in. So she's screaming because while she and the 5 year old were playing in her room, he moved her high chair. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? This is what sets a 3 year old off? I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Try paying bills, having a mortgage, fight over real things kid.

Anyway. It's been a pretty normal day... Feed kids, bathe kids, clothe kids, feed kids, get one kid to nap, feed kids some more, make sure no one kills anyone, etc...

Tony comes home, starts talking about his day at work.

Time out.

Sorry, had to go lock myself in the bathroom. 3 year old is screaming again, and 5 year old wants to talk Pokemon and I'm just done with noise today.

Time in.

So my husband, Mr. Important, comes home. He has a new job, if you didn't already know. He's pretty important. He is now a Senior Manager at Waggener Edstrom (a PR firm in Portland). He's big time. Whatever. Don't get me wrong, I'm super proud of him. I really am. But here comes the pity party... He's telling me about his day, he's telling me about how he went to lunch with some other important people at work and this is what gets me... He says, "... and they all said they really want to meet the kids. That I should bring them in sometime."

Now let that marinate.

Maybe I'm crazy. Shoot. I know I am. But I am now sitting in the bathroom writing this post feeling like my part: carrying, birthing, feeding, and making sure they don't kill each other, is ridiculous and unimportant. Tony doesn't get it. I mean really. I feel completely disregarded, like I'm some inconsequential middle man. No one really cares about the spouse who doesn't have a "real" job who stays home with the kids. Let's just skip right over her and meet the children.

Funny side story, I was at Costco just this afternoon with the kids eating lunch and I invited this super nice elderly woman to join us since there wasn't much room elsewhere. We had a really nice time and I enjoyed our conversation. When we got up to leave, she looked at me and told me straight faced "you're a good mother."

Do you know how often that happens? Not nearly as much as it should. Not just to me, but to any mother. It makes the dirty diapers, the screaming, the fighting, the poop & pee NOT in the toilet, the mess, the feeling of little to no self-worth so much easier to swallow.

Later on, we got home and I was unloading the van when I picked up the 10 pound bag of sugar I bought. I thought to myself, this sure is heavy. Then I realized, I gave birth naturally to a baby slightly bigger than that. How cool is that? I did that. ALL by myself.

And here I am, sitting on the bathroom floor, almost 6 years later, wondering, how did this happen? I should feel empowered. But I don't.

And now my computer is saying "you are now running on reserve battery power."

Ain't that the truth buddy, ain't that the truth.