Wednesday, August 03, 2011

A day like any other...

Maybe I'm having a pity party, maybe not. Okay fine, I'm totally having a pity party. But do you ever have one of those days that feels pretty normal, but just isn't quite right? I mean, there really wasn't anything bad that happened today.

I woke up at 8 when my 5 year old alarm woke me, fed him breakfast, fed the baby breakfast, fed the 3 year old breakfast, gave each one a bath, then finally sat down for breakfast and a cup of coffee at 10am after getting the baby down for a nap. Maybe that was the problem, delayed caffeine consumption...

Time out. 3 year old is melting down.

Time in. So she's screaming because while she and the 5 year old were playing in her room, he moved her high chair. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? This is what sets a 3 year old off? I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Try paying bills, having a mortgage, fight over real things kid.

Anyway. It's been a pretty normal day... Feed kids, bathe kids, clothe kids, feed kids, get one kid to nap, feed kids some more, make sure no one kills anyone, etc...

Tony comes home, starts talking about his day at work.

Time out.

Sorry, had to go lock myself in the bathroom. 3 year old is screaming again, and 5 year old wants to talk Pokemon and I'm just done with noise today.

Time in.

So my husband, Mr. Important, comes home. He has a new job, if you didn't already know. He's pretty important. He is now a Senior Manager at Waggener Edstrom (a PR firm in Portland). He's big time. Whatever. Don't get me wrong, I'm super proud of him. I really am. But here comes the pity party... He's telling me about his day, he's telling me about how he went to lunch with some other important people at work and this is what gets me... He says, "... and they all said they really want to meet the kids. That I should bring them in sometime."

Now let that marinate.

Maybe I'm crazy. Shoot. I know I am. But I am now sitting in the bathroom writing this post feeling like my part: carrying, birthing, feeding, and making sure they don't kill each other, is ridiculous and unimportant. Tony doesn't get it. I mean really. I feel completely disregarded, like I'm some inconsequential middle man. No one really cares about the spouse who doesn't have a "real" job who stays home with the kids. Let's just skip right over her and meet the children.

Funny side story, I was at Costco just this afternoon with the kids eating lunch and I invited this super nice elderly woman to join us since there wasn't much room elsewhere. We had a really nice time and I enjoyed our conversation. When we got up to leave, she looked at me and told me straight faced "you're a good mother."

Do you know how often that happens? Not nearly as much as it should. Not just to me, but to any mother. It makes the dirty diapers, the screaming, the fighting, the poop & pee NOT in the toilet, the mess, the feeling of little to no self-worth so much easier to swallow.

Later on, we got home and I was unloading the van when I picked up the 10 pound bag of sugar I bought. I thought to myself, this sure is heavy. Then I realized, I gave birth naturally to a baby slightly bigger than that. How cool is that? I did that. ALL by myself.

And here I am, sitting on the bathroom floor, almost 6 years later, wondering, how did this happen? I should feel empowered. But I don't.

And now my computer is saying "you are now running on reserve battery power."

Ain't that the truth buddy, ain't that the truth.

7 comments:

My name is Kristen! said...

Isn't being a mom so much fun?! Hehee. I'm sorry you had such a rough day though. :( And I'm totally jealous you got to hide out in the bathroom! I can't seem to find a hiding place ANYWHERE. Somedays I'm pretty surprised I actually make it through a day. I have yet to figure out what it is exactly that I'm running on and...I DON'T EVEN DRINK COFFEE! Say a little prayer for me, will ya? But seriously, you are hands down one of the most awesome-est mothers I know. And you know how picky I am about parenting, you've heard me complain enough. You are amazing friend, you can see it all over your kids, in everything they say and do. And you should be told more often! We all feel insignificant {or at least I do} a lot of the time. And don't even get me started on the stay at home mom's don't 'work' topic or I'll never shut up. LOL. i love you friend! save a space in your hideout for me, ok?

Missy said...

hope tomorrow is better. that's all you can do is go to sleep amd hope for a better start tomorrow.

Hosmerita said...

Seriously woman... can I just say that I must be PMSing because between this post and the post form Lu's birthday I am crying... like ugly crying, as in Richard is going to walk in and wonder what the eff is wrong with me crying.
I feel you on this, sometimes I feel like my only role is the Mom, and what else have I done that day. You my Lady are the crazy art teacher Mom who has this mom thing down to an artsy-science. One thing I love about you is that you don't claim to be perfect, you voice your issues (sometimes very wholeheartedly) but then you snap back to Cray Cray Carrie. Without whom there would be no three amigas, and without the three of us having rambunctious bumpkins running around, we would have NEVER met.
So I say send the kids in, have them wear your fantastic headgear, and intorduce yourself as the au pair who is in from France because Mr. Jones' wife is away on business...
Love to ya!

Kramer Family said...

Hey Carrie,

I feel every mom has moments where we wonder who cares about us stay-at-home mommies? It's interesting I blogged about this but haven't posted it because I'm waiting till Friday! (just started my blog back up again after a month of much needed time off) anyway, check it out on Friday, BUT I will give you a sneak preview. Check out the Steven Curtis Chapman song, "Do Everything!" The first verse is perfect for what I believe us mom's feel sooooo often, and what a great reminder of how to look at those moments!

You are such a great mom and the sacrifice you are making now for your kids will make a huge difference! Sometimes it's hard to tell, but it's so wonderful to see something that your children do that you have been working with them for so long or teaching them, and wondering if they are getting it! :) Your children our so blessed to have a mommy like you!!!!! and yes you are right mom's need to be told more often.

Have a wonderful rest of the week!!!!!

Team Johnston said...

I'm totally with you sister...but in the plus side you are one awesome mama!!!!

Carrie said...

You are all too kind to me. I appreciate all the sentiments and words of encouragement. As sad as it sounds, misery loves company and it's nice to know that I am not the only one that feels this way sometimes.

And Mom, I love you. If motherhood has taught me anything, it's more complete appreciation and utter love for you and what you've done and sacrificed for me.

JessicaE said...

thanks for this. you're a good mom. and your job is the most important one there is. cheers, sister.