I'm having a moment. I'm really hoping I'm not alone when I share my feelings, because quite frankly, I'm feeling a little insane. My 7 year old, Spencer, has had his very first loose tooth for a couple weeks now. And it wasn't until he walked down the stairs a few moments ago, to show me his teeny tooth hanging on by a thread, that this overwhelming feeling of complete sadness washed over me.
You see, it was that little tooth that kept me up for many a sleepless night, caused my baby so much pain, and took nearly five months to break through. And when it did finally make its way into the light, it mysteriously went back down and came back through a handful of times before taking permanent residency in my first born child's mouth, forever robbing him of that sweet, toothless grin that stole my heart over seven years ago.
When he does finally lose it, I fear that I might as well. I feel this overwhelming need to keep it forever to remind me of that babyhood with my firstborn that I'll never be able to have again. It will remind me of the journey the two if us took together and how lost I was that first year, attempting so desperately to gain footing on what it meant to be a mother.
I know it's just another step towards Spencer growing up but it's all so heart wrenching. If only I could go back and replay it all I wouldn't feel like I am slowly forgetting what his chubby face looked like as a tot. The more I look at him, the more I see the man he's growing up to be and although I am so proud of who he is becoming, I fear that I am becoming less to him.
And there it is... the sadness.
Monday, February 11, 2013
I'm having a hard time being articulate today. I just deleted an entire post because I felt like I came across as a bit of an idiot. Life is crazy. Scratch that, life FEELS crazy sometimes. Right now it definitely does. But in all honesty, not much is going on. Does that even make sense? Here I am, in my pajamas, sipping on my luke warm coffee while my husband is at work, one child is at school, one is napping and 2 more are playing "nicely" upstairs. Not much going on so it would seem... But in my head, I can't turn off the crazy.
Even when I'm not actively thinking about all the things that could happen to our family in the next, I don't know, month, it's going on in my head without me and it's making my skin crawl.
I think I might be a control freak.
Which is completely ridiculous because I KNOW I don't have control.
God is the ultimate captain on this ship called Carrie, sailing through the waters of life.
*Sidenote: That was an awesome analogy and ALMOST made me feel like I am still smart and that having 4 kids hasn't sucked every last bit of intellect from me.
Something big might be happening to our family. Not bad, just different (no, we are not having any more babies). I can see it on the horizon and I'm torn between terrified and ecstatic. I've battled the pros and cons and the only thing that I've come to realize is that either way, God has control and whichever way the wind blows us, he will protect and care for our family. Now if only I could get my body and my brain to settle down and let my heart remind me of this every minute of every day. That's the control freak in my taking over. I feel like I'm one step away from going complete OCD on everyone.
Who am I kidding? I have 4 kids. The control freak doesn't stand a chance. And therein lies the constant battle between letting go, and letting God and trying to make plans. I am also a planner, you see. And when I don't have control of situations to even know what's going on, I can't PLAN for them. So here I am, my brain is planning through all the what-ifs, but there's nothing actually happening. Insane, right?
This entire post is mostly for myself, if you haven't noticed. Because I'm pretty sure it makes little sense to you... Perhaps the next post in the weeks to come will offer some clarity to both you and I. :)