Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A tough one to swallow...

I don't even know where to begin with this post. In fact, I've debated, more than once, to not even write it. On more than a few occasions I have sat at my computer ready to write only to be driven away by fear. And now my fear is that I may have not completely dealt with what has happened. So here I am, opening my heart up about something so very private in hopes that someone will know of his or her existence. Because that IS a huge fear of mine, that this baby will go unnoticed.

Most of you know by now that I am pregnant! I am 18 weeks tomorrow and we find out the gender next Friday. I am so very excited to see what this baby will be and if we will be an even team or a house full of estrogen!

That same "most" also don't know the journey I've gone through with this pregnancy. It began on December 15th, 2011, when I saw that 2nd line. Tony and I knew that we wanted one more baby and we figured why not sooner rather than later? So as I sat there for those 3 minutes that seemed like 3 hours, I prayed. I poured my heart out to the only one that was listening, God. I wanted another child and I knew eventually he would give me one, so if I wasn't pregnant this time, I'd be okay. But I REALLY was ready for that baby.

He heard me.

A couple of weeks later, I was just DYING to get to my first doctor's appointment because I knew that it meant an ultrasound and I could see that wee bebe on the screen for the first time. It never gets old. It never gets less exciting. I am always nervous. Our appointment wasn't for another week but I made up some excuse about thinking I " might have an infection..." so they squeezed me in. After finding out there was no infection, duh... I asked if there was any way that we could just take a peek to make sure I wasn't crazy and that I was indeed pregnant... Seeing as they have a roaming ultrasound machine, the doctor obliged.

What I saw on that screen came as a complete and utter shock. TWINS. How could this have happened! They don't run in my family, the don't run in Tony's family. What? Are you serious? Feelings of complete terror mixed with overjoyed excitement literally made my body shake. I could not wait to get home and tell Tony!

Much to my surprise, he was nothing but ecstatic! Not even a worried look. That guy's like a rock. My nervousness quickly turned to excitement. We could do this! Sure going from 3 kids to 5 wasn't in our plans, but it seemed to be in God's. And there's one thing that Tony said that I still can't get out of my head... When I had lost my first baby after having Spencer, the ultrasound tech told me that not only was my uterus tilted (which made it harder to conceive) but that it hadn't fully fused together when I was in my mother's womb and the result was a heart shaped uterus... So back to present day, Tony turned to me and said, "maybe that's why God gave you a heart shaped uterus, one side for each baby."

We started researching what to expect with twin pregnancies, carseats and everything in between.

At our next appointment we waited in anticipation to see those 2 sweet babies. But where the second one was supposed to be there was just an empty sac.

"I'm sorry, but that baby didn't seem to continue to develop."

I can still feel my heart sinking to my stomach and the lump in the my throat restricting my ability to breathe.

I remember how I felt when I had my previous miscarriages. The loss, the pain, the emotional turmoil, wondering how this could happen... This time was... different. I was still pregnant. There was still a little healthy baby growing inside me that needed me. How could I get past the grief and move on to the happiness? I still don't know how to answer that.

And then there's the comments meant to cheer you up but do the exact opposite... "You wouldn't want twins anyway. They're so hard." But that's what I had. And I would have managed. I was already in love with BOTH of those babies.

"God only gives you what you can handle." Are you saying I couldn't handle having twins? Because I could have. I would have. I would have loved those babies. I did love those babies.

Maybe that baby is just hiding. At the next ultrasound we'll see them both! That happens! "Please God... I CAN handle it. I CAN do this. Please. But Tony said that's why my uterus is shaped like a heart. Why is this happening again? I'm healthy..." I pleaded with God.

Every time I hear about someone having twins, my heart beats faster, I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Every time someone asks, "you're so big, are you sure you're not having twins?" I bite my tongue. I try not to lash out. To scream "YES, yes I was having twins. But now I'm not. Thanks for the reminder."

I like to think that when this baby is born that all these feelings of hurt, pain, anger and frustration will be washed away. When I had Tatum, after losing 2 babies, the joy that I felt was indescribable. I had finally gotten the blessing that I so longed and prayed for... my sweet perfect baby. I pray each day that this is how I'll feel. That I will be so excited and overjoyed for the blessing that is this baby. But my deepest fear is that I will feel something entirely different... disappointment that there should have been another baby. That there should be 2. That if or when my child comes to me and says, "Mom, I wish I were a twin," that I don't break down and completely lose it.

My heart is broken and I pray that this baby will mend it.


Lyssy said...

I sort of understand what you are going through Carrie. I'm 13 weeks pregnant right now with our 5th baby, but at 6 weeks I miscarried and I thought that was that....I made an appointment to get into the doctor to make sure everything was completely gone and they found a heartbeat and a small little blip on the screen. I'm certain that I lost a twin and I havn't really thought about it until lately when I am either relieved I'll only have 5 instead of 6, or very sad at the baby we'll never know. I'm sorry for your loss :(

Ashley said...

Oh Carrie! That made me cry. It is so hard to understand why things are meant to be the way that they are. I ask myself the same question at least once a week. I want kids so bad but can't have them naturally. Why would He have chosen for me to not have kids when I want them so bad and there are so many around me that don't even want them and end up pregnant at the drop of a hat. I have no answers and after 3 years since my last surgery I am still asking the same questions that always bring tears to my eyes. I dread going to the dr because everytime they ask me if I could be pregnant, I have to tell them its not possible. I can still do IVF so yes there is a chance that I can have children thanks to modern medicine but it will be a long drawn out challenge that I don't know if I am emotionally ready for yet. I don't think you will ever truly heal but just know that there are people out there that can just be there for you and with time, the stuff people will say will get easier. It will never be forgotten but will be easier to handle. Miss you and I hope things get better for you.

HappyMomma2 said...

I understand Carrie. My heart breaks with yours. I pray that on a daily basis God can put the right people and places into your path to make things a little easier during this time. If you ever want to talk, I am always available.

susan said...

Eleri was a twin for about five weeks, too. I do wonder, sometimes, what might have been.

Audrey said...

Carrie, your bravery and openness always amaze and inspire me! I am so sorry to hear about the loss, and I will be wishing and praying that this baby does in fact heal your loss and warm your heart!

Steph said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( You know my story and the struggles I've had, so all I can say is in some way I understand the feelings you're going through. The well meaning comments from people always hurt. They just don't understand why or how. Having Miki after two losses helped my heart heal, but I still remember. I still think about what might have been. I pray that you are able to hold this precious baby and remember, but smile at the same time. xoxo

Steph said...

I guess I should have also said that I blogged and talked so openly about my losses because I was absolutely terrified that my babies wouldn't be remembered or known. You'll never forget, but people around you will. I won't.

Shannan Deshazer said...

Thank you for offering a peek into your heart. Every loss is terrible - we lost a baby at 24 weeks - but I will say for me that the subsequent babies do heal that hurt, they did for me at least :-)